Thoughts on falling.
My epic fail (and fall) and the redemption that came 10.5 years later.
I graduated with my Ph.D. in May 2014.
Unlike many of my colleagues who immediately began the rigorous and aggressive search for a job in higher education, I went back to my high school classroom. I felt like I wasn’t finished with being a public school teacher. There was so much more I wanted to learn, wanted to try…
But in 2015, I was encouraged to apply for a tenure-track position at The College of New Jersey. A friend of mine was on the search committee, and it seemed like I should at least give it a shot.
If you are new to the world of academia, the search processes for these types of jobs are longgggg. I learned about the job in 2015, submitted my application in July 2016, added additional materials in September, and in October, I got an email that made me literally jump up out of my desk chair:
It was my FIRST HIGHER ED INTERVIEW.
On Wednesday, November 2nd, I happened to be taking a group of high school kids on a field trip to another school. During my interview, I went into the 12-passenger van that I had driven to Upper Merion, shut the door, and put my phone on speaker as I answered the committee’s questions. I printed out pictures of each committee member and positioned them on the dashboard so it felt like I was talking to actual humans, not faceless voices.
I can’t imagine what it must have looked like to someone passing by the van- me, flush-faced in my teaching attire, talking with animated gestures while staring at little printed squares of academic headshots.
By the end of the interview, I was sweating. A few weeks later, I received another email that made me sweat even more:
I advanced as a finalist. A finalist!
Full-day campus interviews are grueling. Long. Unnecessarily arduous (if I may). There was one large small problem with my campus interview date.
I was pregnant.
I was not pregnant when I started the job process in early 2016, but I was nearly 35 weeks pregnant with my second child when I was set to have my on-campus interview. 35 weeks pregnant when I had to follow this interview schedule:
Some women glow during late pregnancy. I am not one of those women. Despite being a fairly small human, I make enormous babies. My compact torso has housed over 27 pounds of baby spread over three pregnancies. At 35 weeks pregnant I was in pain, I was waddling, and I could barely breathe, much less spend 12 hours teaching demo lessons, interviewing, and leading rehearsals with a committee making notes about me.
But, I tried to stay positive. I googled, “what to wear for an interview when you are super duper pregnant.” I borrowed a boxy blazer from a friend. I found a maternity pencil skirt and sensible shoes. On the big day, Brandon helped me put on my stockings (#bless), and I arrived at my interview, ready to seize the day.
It was hard.
And, it wasn’t just hard because I had to walk up many flights of stairs and talk to 1,000,000,000 people and had raging imposter syndrome.
It was hard because I didn’t know if this job was actually what I wanted to be doing. Everyone in my degree program talked about this as the natural next step in my career but in many ways, I felt like a very round peg fitting into a tiny square hole. My teaching passions were songwriting, progressive methods, informal learning. This job was focused on choral education and formal training.
I did my best. But by the end of the day, I could see the writing on the wall.
Walking into the Italian restaurant (the final gauntlet challenge of the day), I was so done. My feet were screaming, I was totally drained, and I felt 100% certain I wasn’t getting the job (especially after the head of the search committee let me know that I was up against a beloved internal candidate).
My one saving grace? I was about to eat pizza on someone else's dime.
We entered the restaurant and found a large round table in the center. The ambience was classy, and the dimly lit table was encircled by rustic, wooden chairs. The head of the search committee politely gestured for me to take a seat, and I positioned my large frame over a chair. When I sat down, there was an unmistakable cracking sound. This cracking was followed by a feeling that I was falling (I was falling) as I tumbled to the floor on top of a pile of wood that used to be a chair.
I broke the chair into many pieces.
Sitting on the floor in my pencil skirt and boxy blazer, I needed the head of the committee to reach down and help me up so I could recover. He kept asking what happened, I think out of sheer confusion, which meant I had to look around and say “I broke. the. chair.” multiple times in a row.
I think you know by now that I didn’t get the job.
After that, and another failed search at the institution that granted me a Ph.D., I decided that academia was not for me. I couldn’t imagine a job or institution that fit my skill set- a place where I felt free to be fully me.
I couldn’t imagine it until this past November when West Chester posted a tenure-track position.
Last month, I had my first on-campus interview since November 2016. I didn’t feel like an imposter. I just felt like myself. I didn’t pretend to know anything I didn’t know, and I just shared the things I’m passionate about.
At the end of another 8-hour interview over a decade later, I went to an Italian restaurant with another search committee.
I laughed, ate short rib, sat on a very solid metal chair that held my weight easily, and walked away knowing that whether or not I got the job, I did my best.
Sometimes, it’s just not the right fit or the right time. It doesn’t mean it’s off the table forever.
Inspiration
🎧 Allie shared this podcast and now I’m obsessed and bingeing all of the episodes.
🎧 RUN, don’t walk, to grab a copy of Exit Zero. I finished it on the plane this morning and love love loved it.
Creative
🌟 I’m hanging out in Vermont this week, directing the All-State rock band for the Vermont Music Educators conference. Super excited to work with high school kiddos all week! You can follow along Instagram @fflatbooks.
🌟 Eep! We’re booking studio time for New Enemies this summer. Get ready for some new tunes!
Thanks for subscribing and reading. I hope you land on solid ground this week.
Connect with my work elsewhere:
🎧 listen to my podcast with Kimberly McGlonn
💻 order my children’s book, Rosie Rocks!
📚 visit my fair-pay publishing company, F-flat Books.
🎤 get songwriting support through Songwriting for M.E.
I’ve been behind in my Substack reading! I cannot believe you broke a chair. OUCH!
This is such a well-written and relatable story. Well done, Sarah!