Thoughts on keeping grief weird
How a Thanksgiving dessert almost broke up our family.
Each month, I practice first-person storytelling by preparing a 5-minute story for the Moth Story Slam. This month, the theme is “Yes, Chef!” Today, I’m sharing a story I prepared for the Moth, but it also seems appropriate as we head into the holiday season.
We arrived in Pittsburgh the night before Thanksgiving in 2010. The minute we walked in the door, I knew that my father-in-law, Bob, was up to something.
You see, Bob was in his “Rachael Ray Era.” Having recently been put on disability for an incurable lung disease, he was too sick to work but still well enough to feel antsy after sitting around all day.
Each day, he would turn on the Rachael Ray talk show and watch a segment called “What’s for dinner tonight.” He would take diligent notes, writing down ingredients and cooking steps. Then, he’d go to the store, shop, and cook Rachael’s dinner.
I’m pretty sure he was the only person in America actually doing this.
But on that particular week, Rachael hosted a special Thanksgiving show where she unveiled the dessert that MUST BE ON YOUR THANKSGIVING TABLE. It would “wow all of your guests!” Bob was sold. He was determined. He was going to make a Pumpple Cake. (Scratch that. I was going to make a Pumpple cake since I was the only person in the family with cake-baking experience.)
A Pumpple cake is a monstrosity of desserts- a two layered cake containing two entire pies in each layer, slathered with buttercream and decorated with sprinkles.
Once Bob explained the mission to me, I was shocked to hear that he hadn’t purchased any ingredients yet and thought we would whip this up on Thanksgiving morning before getting to Aunt Pat’s at 2 PM.
“No way,” I told him. I was firmly in my Ace of Cake era and knew there were things like cooling time, blast chillers, and crumb coats. Despite my hesitations, Bob was determined. He had a vision of my niece and nephew being WOW’d the moment he cut through the cake layers and revealed all of the desserts inside.
It was settled.
On Thanksgiving morning, I woke up early, ran to the store, and started baking. The cake layers took forever to bake and took longer to cool. As we approached midday, it started getting tense. There was no way this cake would cool in time for us to ice it.
“I’ll stay back with the cake,” Bob said. He told us to go on ahead to the meal, and he’d come later once the cake had cooled.
“Absolutely not.” Brandon reminded him that being with family was more important than the Pumpple cake. But Bob was stubborn. He pulled the buttercream out of the fridge and started stacking and icing. And then, it was time to go.
The drive to Aunt Pat’s was short but extremely hilly. Luckily, Bob wore his baking apron as he balanced the warm, shiny Pumpple tower on his lap. Tina (my MIL) drove and swerved all over the road, unable to take her eyes off the cake tower. After a minute or so, the cake layers started sliding around, and Bob gave up on a perfect icing finish as he used his fingers to stabilize the monstrosity.
Brandon and I sat in the back, stifling laughs and recording everything on video.
The front of the car was steaming with frustration and hot cake.
And then, the craziest thing happened… the bottom cake layer started buckling under the pressure and cracked. Hot icing started pouring out of the crack and directly onto Bob’s lap (we, of course, continued to film from the back seat. Our laughs were no longer stifled.). Bob’s solution? He started collecting the hot icing in his hands, licking them clean, and returning them below the lip of the plate in a nonstop progression.
At this point, we were all laughing. Full-bellied, out of control laughter. It was all so silly.
When we arrived at Aunt Pat’s, the cake looked like a pile of Thanksgiving trash. There was no grand reveal for the grandkids or any “ooohs” and “aaaahhhs” to be heard. I’m pretty sure Bob was the only one who even tried the cake. What started as a highly frustrating Thanksgiving became one of our most hilarious family memories.
In August of 2018, Bob passed away.
Firsts are always hard when you lose a loved one. Our first holiday without Bob was Thanksgiving of 2018. At this point, I had three kids of my own, and we’d just weathered months of hospitals, hospice, and being displaced from home with a newborn, a baby, and a toddler.
I didn’t know how to make the holiday feel ok, but I did have one idea. It was time to revisit and conquer the Pumpple cake once and for all.
My four-year-old Norris and I worked together to do it the right way. We spread the process over multiple days, cooling layers, and following each step of the process.
We talked about Pap (Bob) while we baked- how he was always up for a grand gesture, how he was so stubborn (something we have in common), and how he loved doing things for his family.
We transferred the cake to Aunt Pat’s, and my brother-in-law did the honors of cutting the first piece while all the grandkids looked on with wide eyes.
Bob’s moment had finally happened eight years later. The Pumpple Cake was a success!!
(It tasted terrible. 0/10 do not recommend.)
Needless to say, we never made it again. But the whole experience reminds me of two lessons that Bob and the Pumpple Cake taught all of us.
Sometimes, we take a big swing, and we miss. We put forth work that is half-baked, not our best, and even embarassing. It doesn’t define us. We keep trying.
And sometimes, we say “yes” to outlandish ideas from people we love because we know that life is short and that every moment matters.
We keep grief weird.
Inspiration
🎧 I really enjoyed this talk with Mark Foster on the great creators. What a wild story of music business success! It’s such a reminder that the words we say to young ones (and anyone trying to do anything creative) really matters.
🎧 I started reading Tell Me More. Heartfelt storytelling with psychology-based life lessons? PLEASE.
Creative
🌟 I’m on a plane to Iowa this morning! It’s my first book signing outside of Philly and I can’t wait to share Rosie Rocks! with teachers from around the country.
🌟 Speaking of the Moth, I’m excited to share the Brandon, my friend John, and I will all be participating in the Philly Moth Grand Slam this December!!!! Come here us tell stories together!
Thanks for subscribing and reading. I hope your November desserts are full of flavor and free of tears.
Connect with my work elsewhere:
🎧 listen to my podcast with Kimberly McGlonn
💻 Order my children’s book, Rosie Rocks!
📚 visit my fair-pay publishing company, F-flat Books.
🎤 get songwriting support through Songwriting for M.E.